


Colossal Prick

by Python07



Series: King and Country [8]
Category: Kingsman (Movies), The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Armand and Jean are Kingsman agents., Chester is a prick, Kaden is Armand's brother from another mother., M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-08 12:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12254292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Python07/pseuds/Python07
Summary: Conversations that prove that Chester was a colossal prick and explains why Armand and Jean weren't around on V-Day. This takes place during and just after the first Kingsman movie.





	1. Chester and Armand

Chester looked up from his menu. He smiled. It was small, but it was real. “Armand.”

Armand returned it. He inclined his head. “My King.”

Chester preened, just a little. He waved to the chair next to him. “Sit down, dear boy. I ordered lunch and your favorite tea.”

“Thank you.” Armand gracefully took the seat. He tilted his head to signify the posh décor around them. “The private room at the Savoy, for just the two of us. What’s the occasion?”

“We have important matters to discuss, it’s quiet, and their chef is superb.” Chester wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Things have been chaotic at the manor and the shop.”

Armand sipped his tea. “It usually is during candidate trials,” he observed dryly.

Chester gave a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry your candidate didn’t make it far.”

Armand waved that off. “Nathaniel wanted a chance but he’s better suited to my department.”

“Ah, you’re going to make him one of your minions.”

Armand snorted. “He’s sharp. He’s got a mind for sifting intel. His thinking is undisciplined but training will help with that.”

The waiter brought soups as a starter and disappeared, quickly and quietly. Chester grabbed his spoon. “By all means, offer the lad a job.”

Armand put his napkin across his lap. “Merlin finds the three remaining candidates very promising.”

Chester winced and swallowed his soup. “He may think so but Galahad’s candidate is inappropriate.”

Armand smirked. “Why?” He took on a cockney accent. “Does he come from the wrong side of the tracks?”

Chester reared back as if he’d been bitten. He held a hand over his heart. “Don’t do that,” he hissed. 

Armand laughed and slipped back into his normal accent. “Breathe, Chester.”

Chester wheezed. “He’s not our sort, not one of us.”

“Who cares if he can do the job and do it well?” 

“You’ve been spending way too much time with Harry.” Chester still looked outraged. “Don’t laugh at me, boy.”

Armand was unfazed by Chester’s ire. He was still grinning impishly. “You are the only one who can still get away with calling me a boy.” 

Chester couldn’t hold onto his anger. He chuckled despite himself. “I’m one of the only ones left who can actually remember you as such.” He paused. He sighed wistfully. “You favor your mother. I can still see her when I look at you.”

“Even with the gray curls and my scruff,” Armand teased good naturedly.

Chester nodded solemnly. “It’s the eyes. It’s the steel in you.” He quickly cleared his throat and continued before Armand could reply. “And your curls are on the verge of mutiny. A haircut is in order.”

Armand shook his head. “No.”

“Why not?” Chester demanded. 

Armand arched his eyebrows. “Jean.”

Chester dropped his spoon. He blanched. “I thought we agreed never to discuss this.”

Armand smirked unrepentantly. “You asked.”

Chester muttered under his breath and stared at Armand. “I see an impeccable Kingsman suit as always, but where is your tie?”

Armand took said tie out of his pocket and put it on the table. “It’s hot in Nigeria at this time of year.”

“And how is your drug running friend?”

“Kaden is not a drug runner,” Armand answered easily. “He’s a warlord.”

Chester rolled his eyes in distaste. “Like that is so much better.”

Armand was still relaxed. His voice was respectful, but firm. “He only acts to protect his people. He would never peddle that poison.”

“I still don’t see how you trust him,” Chester maintained stubbornly.

“He’s always been reliable and his intel accurate. How do you think I stay three steps ahead of the Russians and the Chinese in that part of the world?”

Chester peered at a small black smudge just peeking out from Armand’s collar. “What’s that on your neck?”

“Nothing,” Armand answered blandly.

Chester leaned forward and lifted Armand’s collar out of the way. He gasped in horror at the tattoo. His voice cracked in his outrage. “What is that?”

“It’s a tribal design, one of their protective spirits,” Armand answered as if this was the most natural thing in the world. “Kaden talked me into it after a jug of the homemade stuff. I can’t pronounce the name of the stuff but it’s got the kick of a horse.” 

Chester paled. “You…” he trailed off at a loss.

“I think it’s quite striking.”

Chester sat back, aghast. “I should never have let you go to Africa by yourself. You always come back with a new tattoo.”

Armand offered a innocent look. “They’re all tastefully done. You must believe that I insist on that.”

Chester flushed. He flapped his hands and let out an incoherent squeak. “What is this world coming to?” He spoke more to himself in dismay than to Armand. “We need Valentine to help bring order back from chaos and clear out the undesirable element.”

Armand’s eyes narrowed and he stiffened imperceptibly. “What are you talking about? What undesirable element and isn’t he the one that Harry is investigating?”

Chester swallowed. “This isn’t how I was going to tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

Chester suddenly reached out to clutch Armand’s hand. “Valentine is right.” 

Armand squeezed Chester’s fingers. “Right about what? Tell me.”

“The Earth is sick and global warming is just a symptom. Humanity is the virus.” Chester’s eyes were desperate. “We need to kill the virus.”

“And how do we do that?”

“A culling,” Chester answered grimly. “But not everyone,” he added quickly, “just the human trash.”

Armand dropped his eyes and Chester’s hand. He pressed his palms flat on the table. He blew out a long breath. 

“He’s right,” Chester repeated, willing Armand to believe him. “The chosen will survive.”

Armand made himself look at Chester again. He kept his voice steady through sheer force of will. “And who chooses? Valentine?”

“Yes. He chose me and he wants you too. We’ll need a man of your brilliance. You can bring in Kay and young Nathaniel if you wish.” Chester rested a hand on one of Armand’s. “It may be distasteful, but surely you can see the need. Think about it, a fresh start without the dregs of humanity.”

The touch made Armand’s skin crawl but he didn’t snatch his hand away. “You’ve certainly given me something to think about,” he said neutrally.

“Think quickly. I need your answer now. You’ll need to meet with Valentine and get one of his implants so you won’t be affected when the culling starts. Perhaps he can get rid of that ghastly tattoo as well.”

Armand jerked away. He stood, calm and collected. “You and Valentine can go straight to hell.”

Chester pulled his pistol. He sighed heavily. “I hoped I was wrong.”

“Are you going to kill me?”

Chester fired. “No, but I can’t let you try to stop this either.”

Armand had just enough time to pull the dart from his neck before everything went dark.


	2. Chester and Jean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chester has to deal with an angry Jean.

Chester tapped the private frequency on his glasses. “Is our guest settled in, Ywain?”

“Yes, Arthur,” Ywain answered crisply. He chuckled. “Although the glare he gave me could strip paint from a wall.”

Chester smiled coldly. “Have no fear. He’s nothing if not pragmatic. When this is over, he will accept the new order.”

“If you say so, Sir,” Ywain said, still respectful, but also doubtful.

Chester levered himself out of his desk chair and went to drinks cabinet to pour himself a glass of brandy. “Put his candidate, Nathaniel, in lockdown as well. He has a soft spot for the lad and the lad could prove to be useful.”

“Will do. What about Kay?”

Chester heard his secretary’s raised voice. “Arthur is not to be disturbed.”

There was a snarl in reply. “Do I look like I give a toss?” 

“Speak of the devil,” Chester murmured. He took his glass and sat back behind his desk. “Keep radio silent until I contact you and don’t get caught outside when it hits.” He didn’t wait for a reply before he took his glasses off and slipped them into his breast pocket. He sipped his brandy and tried to nonchalantly eye the door.

Jean barged into the office. He was dressed impeccably as always, in a Kingsman suit, crisp white shirt, and a matching red tie and pocket square that Chester knew Armand picked out for him. Instead of a cool, composed gentleman, his face was flushed and there was an angry glint in his eyes.

“Calm yourself, Kay,” Chester said mildly. He tsked. “Good Lord, man, what has you in such a state?”

“Where is he?” Jean demanded.

Chester idly sipped his drink and watched Jean unconsciously shift his weight as if getting ready for a fight. “You mean Mordred,” he said offhandedly.

“Yes,” Jean hissed. He began to pace. “He checked in when his plane landed and then he was supposed to meet you for lunch. No one has seen or heard from him since.”

Chester gestured to one of the chairs before his desk “Have a seat.” He waited until Jean did so. He finished off his glass. “I did meet with Mordred, but our debrief was cut short. He said he had a lead on those missing celebrities.”

Jean was tense in his seat. “He just got back from Africa and you sent him out again? Straight away?”

Chester stood and went to get a refill. He snorted in amusement. “Sent out? He got word from one of those shady characters he deals with…” he waved a hand dismissively. “…probably would’ve knifed me if I had tried to hold him back. You know how he is when he has the bit between his teeth. Drink?”

“No, Sir.” Jean rubbed his hands over his knees. “He usually lets me know before he goes tearing off.”

Chester returned to his chair. He eased down with a grunt. “Yes, well apparently this was time sensitive, since I couldn’t get him to give me a proper briefing either.”

“Does he at least have backup?”

Chester swirled the brandy in his glass and took a drink. “Do you think he’d admit to needing it?”

“Lancelot didn’t think he’d need it either,” Jean shot back.

“Lancelot was a fine agent, but he could be a cocksure idiot. Mordred doesn’t take unnecessary chances. He has his own methods and they work.”

“That may be,” Jean allowed. He watched Chester for a long moment. He still appeared angry, but thoughtful. “So, we have no idea where he’s gone or when he’ll be back.”

Chester shrugged. “Paraguay. Uruguay. Sounded like that anyway.”

“He’s not answering his phone or his glasses.”

Chester sipped as if that didn’t matter. “He’s gone radio silent before on ops.”

“Yeah, when he’s had to go underground.” Jean shook his head and bared his teeth. “You’re awfully blasé about this. You always worry over your boy. You’d hold his hand on missions if you could.”

Chester gave a half smile. “Yes, well, there’s quite a bit going on at the moment. Or haven’t you heard of the hornet’s nest Galahad and Merlin have stirred up?”

“I don’t like it,” Jean growled. “It doesn’t feel right.”

“There’s a lot of that going around at the moment.”

Jean jumped to his feet. He planted his hands on Chester’s desk. His voice was low and dangerous. “That’s all you have to say. What do you suggest we do now, Sir?”

Chester looked up at Jean for a long moment. His bland mask didn’t crack. Then he grabbed a card and pen from his desk. He scribbled down an address. “If you’re that concerned, this is the address of the Kingsman safe house in Asunción. Go make sure that Mordred hasn’t gotten in over his head.”

Jean growled, snatched the card, turned on his heel, and left.

Chester smiled after Jean and grabbed his phone. He texted the address to Valentine. If they could take Kay alive, fine. If not…well these things happen. Armand would just have to understand.


	3. Jean and Kaden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the immediate aftermath of V-Day, Jean doesn't know where Armand is.

Kaden just stared at the computer screen for a long moment. He paid no attention to the large hole in the wall behind him or the people moving about clearing up rubble from the chaos. He ignored the heat and the sweat rolling down the sides of his face. There was a large, angry cut running down his cheek and one of his arms was in a sling. “What do you mean you don’t know where Armand is?” he suddenly snarled. “You fucking lost him? More toys than a James Bond movie and Kingsman lost him?”

Jean didn’t stop his pacing in a safe house half the world away in Asunción. He had a very slight limp from a lucky shot during the melee on V-Day. He started throwing curses at Kaden in three different languages.

“Stupid assholes!” Kaden shouted back. “Worldwide spy organization can’t keep track of their own.”

Jean’s shoulders suddenly slumped. He dropped in the seat in front of his laptop. There was a bruise on his jaw and a haunted look in his eyes. “Yes, well, Chester graduated from useless tit to actively working against us. He sent me on this wild goose chase to Paraguay to get me out of the way when Armand first disappeared.” 

Kaden bared his teeth in a savage smile. “Send him to me. I’ll make him beg to tell me all he knows.” 

Jean ran a weary hand down his face. “Only if you’ve got a voodoo priestess. The bastard blew his top.”

“Damn.” Kaden frowned in thought. “The old wanker wouldn’t have killed him.”

“No,” Jean agreed. “Just tucked him away safe.” He paused and shook his head. “We have to figure out where he stashed his precious boy.” He grimaced on the last three words. “Do you have any idea how many properties the bastard had access to with rooms that could double as cells?”

The lights flickered but the generator remained running. Kaden growled in annoyance but asked earnestly, “How can I help?”

Jean rubbed at the headache rapidly forming behind his eyes. “Keep a lid on shit in your area, save us needing to pay attention for a bit.”

“Can do.” Kaden leaned forward. He lowered his voice to a vehement whisper. “Just find my brother.”

Jean opened his eyes and sat up straight. His tone matched Kaden’s. “I will.”


End file.
